Me: Uh, sir/ma’am, do you suppose you could help me lose weight?
I ask because I have been told that two heads are better than one. And I have only one head. Please. I really need the help.
All right, I know that you can’t REALLY help me lose weight. Because, while you are wherever you are, I am … I mean, I could be asleep in New Jersey.
But no problem, as the kids these days say. We’ll just pretend that you are an intrepid explorer. And, get this, let’s pretend you like to exercise outdoors, you know, like an explorer would. To lose weight.
You: I do like the outdoors. So sure, let’s see what happens.
Me: Fantastic! Thank you. So how are you going to help me lose weight?”
Rock climbing! How’s that?
Me: Rock climbing? Hmmm … interesting idea, but…
You: Look, do you realize you can knock off 400 to 500 calories every time you climb a medium-sized rock? And get this: Rock climbing can burn up to 380 calories in just 30 short minutes. (Hey, you kids, don’t attempt this at home.)
As a matter of fact, you’ll not only increase your heart and lung power with rock climbing, you’ll also make your arms and legs more powerful. It is one of the top cardio exercises.
(Please note: Check out this article on the best cardio exercises for weight loss at http://www.shapefit.com/fitness-advice-5.html .)
Here’s the deal: Take a moderate rock climb and add in a sensible diet and voila! You’ll be slim and trim in no time.
You make it sound so … what … simple?
This might be a good place for a disclaimer.
(Important Disclaimer: Do not begin any exercise program, especially one as vigorous as rock climbing, without first checking with your doctor or medical professional to make sure you are healthy enough for such an activity.)
Me: Well, that reminds me. What if I’m seriously obese, or what if I’m 75 years old, or … OK, I’ll be honest. What if I’m an exercise wimp … I’m not sure that rock climbing is exactly what I had in mind.
You: You know, I have a bonus for you.
Me: Do you?
You: Absolutely. People who hate exercising tell me they love rock climbing. There you go.
Me: That’s it? That’s the bonus?
You: The fun. The fun is the bonus.
Me: I have no doubt rock climbing can be fun if…
You: Extra bonus! Some tips.
Me: Tips?
You: It doesn’t matter whether you’re an old hand at rock climbing or a brand newbie, your body needs to be fully fortified. It might seem obvious, but that means you’re going to need a lot of the right kind of food, plus drinking water.
Whatever you do, don’t get the idea that if you climb on an empty stomach you’ll have an easier time of it because your body will be lighter. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Why? It’s just common sense. Rock climbing requires your complete attention every second you’re scaling the side of that rock. Giving that attention instead to feelings of hunger and/or thirst can lead to injury.
Your whole body needs to be adequately fortified, which means you need ample:
• Roughage. Make sure you get plenty of dietary fiber in the 24 hours before your climb.
• Protein. Cold-water fish such as salmon and tuna are excellent sources of protein. Avocados and nuts are ideal pre-climb snacks.
Me: OK, that all makes sense. But does it have to be … rock climbing?
You: Also, please ,if you’re going to eat bread, make it wheat and not white. And fresh fruit rather than canned. For Pete’s sake please save the canned stuff for the next hurricane or horde of locusts or whatever.
So yes, there is a certain amount of nutrition to be found in white bread and canned fruit, although not much. But what we’re trying to prevent is a sudden call from Mother Nature while we are hovering a hundred feet over terra firma.
Which reminds me, no coffee or pop prior to a climb. (I really don’t have to mention that alcohol also is a no-no, do I?) Coffee and soda are diuretics, and why tempt your bladder to go crazy when you’re rock climbing? Makes no sense.
As for water:
You can’t afford to become dehydrated while rock climbing, which means you must have easy access to drinking water.
Be aware that rock climbing can make your entire body sweat profusely.
Me: Yes, I’m sure rock climbing would make me sweat, but … I’m beginning to think maybe I’ve asked the wrong person to help me lose weight.
You: And if you let yourself become dehydrated, you run the risk of becoming weak, even faint, and you could easily suffer a loss of concentration. That is not a good condition for a rock climber to be in..
Me: First I was sweating. Now I’m feeling faint.
You: Finally, you don’t want to get overheated, which means water, water everywhere, with plenty drops to drink before your climb, during your climb and after you have reached that rocky peak, where you will lift your arms to the sky in celebration of your astonishing weight loss and your incredible feat.
Me (after a pause): I’m impressed. I. Am. Impressed. No doubt in my mind that you could help me lose weight.
But I have to be honest. Rock climbing is just not my thing. Never will be. Isn’t there some other … something you could do to help me lose weight?
You: Sure. Several very good solutions to your weight problem. We could get started right now.
Me: Really? You’re kidding! You can help me lose weight right now!?
You: Absolutely.
Me: Unbelievable. Promise now, no rock climbing?
You: No, nothing like rock climbing at all. That’s a promise.
Me (grinning): What a nice woman. (beat) Man. (beat) Intrepid explorer. (beat) Whatever.